Past, Present and Future

Well, it’s certainly been a while since I last posted anything…”life”, it actually happens…who would of thought.

The three main things I’ve been contemplating recently are:

1. My past
2. Happiness
3. Career

When it comes to my past, I have analysed and, in almost all instances (stupid to believe it’s all), accepted. But now and then something would bring the “past” to the “present”. Today is such a day and after a few moment of contemplation I think I’ve gotten the gist of why a certain period of time in my past still affects me…

Pride

1. A high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.

I can’t seem to except that my presence in someone’s life meant absolutely nothing.

In the scheme of things, it was a very short period of time for everyone concerned. Now other similar scenarios in my past do not affect me as such, so why this one? I didn’t give myself to these people. I can honestly say not one of them truly knew me, and in many instances I did not know them. Any pain caused to me I have accepted as a result of my own submissiveness. But even with all this in my mind, I can’t contemplate that they don’t think of me, even just a smidge. I honestly don’t care if these people are in my life or not but I still spend a day every now and then wishing one of them would just call cause their fucken curious to know what the hell happened to me. Maybe I just want to stick it to them? “Look at me. ME! Finally found (was there the whole time, who would of thought)”.

Maybe over time it fades…but hasn’t there been enough time? I don’t care about them (just my usual curiosity that I would have over anyone who has played a part, even a bit part, in my life), so why should they care about me?

Cause I’m fucken wonderful, that’s why…lol…problem with gaining self worth I guess. Seems everything has a bit of a down side…Ying and Yang man!

Happiness

1. The quality or state of being happy.
2. Good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy.

Once I start using the dictionary it takes a bit of control to stop…but I’ll try.

As mentioned above, life has decided to keep me on my toes. Just as I had settled into a lifestyle, the powers that be set me a curve ball. Now this is not a bad thing, accepting is just hard.

The majority of the time, I’m happy, and this is very strange for me. The times I’m not happy are usually when I’m alone picking at my happiness (for how can “I” be happy?). It’s all strange and I’m a bit scared and not quite sure what to do.

I’m trying not to over analyse the whole situation but my mind refuses to turn off when I’m alone and I refuse to give up alone time cause what my “self-discovery” has made me realise is that I am quite content and capable being on my own (plus no one likes everything that you do).So it’s just one more thing I have to come to terms with…”you’re happy, fucken deal with it (why are all the things I have to “come to terms with” are actually good for me? You’d think the shit bits of life would be hard to accept)!”.

I guess I just don’t know if I can take another hit. I mean there’s only one way to truly know if I can and, if I’m lucky, I might never know…but could I sit back and never test it?

Change is hard…not changing is just fucken boring.

Now the worst part is that previously my life was on an even scale. I felt the same about everything...I was coasting and quite content. Now that a part of my life is lighter, the rest falls into the depths. In other words...I REALLY FUCKEN HATE MY JOB! I feel as if it's sucking out my soul through a straw of jagged glass...now I know how good I can feel, I realise how bad this is (maybe that’s why accepting my happiness is so difficult, have some resentment over experiencing something greater than I have in the past).

So, once again, I’m contemplating a change of career (to actually having one). I really hate it when I do this, as it drive’s me up the fucken wall. Ever since I was sixteen people have been asking, “What do you want to do with your life?”. And every time I have no fucken clue. I know the difference between a hobby and a profession. I know that to make money (well, enough money) you can not love your job completely. I accept this, but still have no idea how to make money and be happy at the same time. All I want is some direction, cause standing in the middle of a major intersection, with multiple turn off’s, and asked to pick a direction without the aid of street signs is how I feel about the whole bloody mess.

I know I don’t want an office job…I’d love to physically do something. So I might actually think I’ve contributed to something…anything. But what? Everything I think of has a down side…maybe I’m just scared of changing…I’ve been doing the same crap since I was seventeen…

Does my fucken head in every time!

Change is hard…not changing would probably kill all that is me.

A Product of Genetics or Upbringing?

Most of the time I believe my current state of being is based largely on my upbringing. Many situations in my past could have quite easily taken a different path. But every now and than, something would come up which would make me think that the paths I have chosen where not chosen at all.

Music being the most prime example.

It was once said to me that I prefer poets to musicians. I love a good song, but if it doesn’t say something with some thought or meaning it doesn’t last long in my consciousness. My favourite all time artists are Leonard Cohen and Nick Cave who both can tell an amazing story with the accompaniment of music.

Now is this because of my years in high school hiding in the library, getting my hands anything that resembled the darkness I felt was within, or was I born with attachment to the emotional (some overtly)?

Favourite songs from the time I used to call my happiest (I’m quite liking my current state of being):

Shakespeares Sister – Stay
Soul Asylum – Runaway Train
R.E.M – Everybody Hurts
R.E.M – Losing my Religion
Don McLean – American Pie
Queen – Bohemian Rhapsody

I mean, I was eight years old and loving the part in “Stay” where she was dressed resembling the devil (well, what I thought) and sang:

You'd better hope and pray
That you make it safe
Back to your own world
You'd better hope and pray
That you'll wake one day
In your own world
Because when you sleep at night
They don't hear your cries
In your own world
Only time will tell
If you can break the spell
Back in your own world

Maybe it all happened the way it did cause it was the only way for me…

Bogan* Watching

Well, missed Winter Magic on the weekend but I did partake in something that I haven’t done in a while…sit at a pub and chat to Bogan’s. Now this wasn’t the plan, but you stick me in a situation where alcohol is consumed and, who knows why, I end up having quite lengthy conversations with the strangest people. This has happened by entire drinking life and it’s good that I’m an avid people watcher, otherwise I might not see the funny side to all this.

Most of my friends have commented over time and all have their reasons why I seem to be the target for this Bogan phenomenon but I can just not see a night out on the piss without this occurring at least once.

So Friday night I met a country boy who came to chat so his mate would feel comfortable coming over for a chat…spent quite a bit of time dribbling bull about tax returns…TAX…I ignore THAT subject as much as humanly possible (even during tax time, which reminds me…better not do that again this year)…than after escaping, went to another pub where got into a conversation about who knows what with Bogan’s of the older persuasion, which can be much more entertaining but don’t always laugh when you talk back to them.

But the Bogan highlight of the night was a chick, which I have never met in my life, came up to me, give me a big hug, told me I was her best friend and than left…as I said…highly entertaining…(that and the man taking the piss out of drag queens by singing ABBA in a bad frock and an even worse wig…though he did do the Proclaimer’s in a kilt).
But something did happen that has never happened before and will be talked about for some time, I’d be thinking. Got a lift home in a street sweeper. Who can f*cken say that…lol…really strange sitting in a truck with a steering wheel in front of you turning all by it’s self. Hope the poor block didn’t get in too much trouble for the smashed windscreen.

*If your offended by the term "Bogan" or the way I'm using it, I mean no offence. I have meet some really interesting and wonderful people in my life who, not only would I refer to as Bogan's, but would also refer to themselves as Bogan's. Bogan culture rocks…I’m such a f*cken “Westie”…lol...

Quick Catch Up

I’m getting told off for not having written something in a while…so sorry…lol…

The reason being is that I have been on holidays in Cannes. Scuba diving the Great Barrier Reef. I WAS going to post photos and stuff but, me not having a camera (it drowned…not in the sea but in Rum), means I have to wait for other people’s happy snaps. Though I did have a flick through my Dad’s photos and I seem to always be fascinated by my dive computer. Almost every photo of me is snapped while staring at my wrist…never had one before, I was intrigued.

I’ll hopefully make a post on my holiday some time soon.

On my return my boots were waiting for me…I whipped those babies on as fast as…well, as fast as I could, I mean their thigh highs with laces and buckles…does take some time. And though I could get them on and had a little personal parade they were too small…so they were sent back and I’m waiting, once again…though wearing them to work might be questionable. I mean, in the photos they pass the knees but don’t go much further, once I put them on I realised that, for the photos, they use tall women…something I’m not…and a mate mentioned that a bigger size might mean travelling further up the leg…this could be very interesting. So outfit selection could be semi stressful. I was given one good idea that I want to try out, though, no point until the boots arrive...again.

Other than dealing with my fantasy footwear, I’ve re-done my hair (a week in salt water lead to interesting results)…insert photo taking, time wasting moment…

Ta-Dar!

The hairdresser convinced me that all over pink was not the way to go...something about re-growth which I did have issues with...I wish there was more pink though...arr well. Once I get sick of the pink I think I'll go red...don't hold me on it...I like changing my mind.

So it’s finally fu*ken Friday…WINTER MAGIC FESTIVAL tomorrow (Katoomba – max temp 11○C)…I’m hoping to “borrow” my Dad’s camera so I can take some photo’s…I really have to get myself another camera…one that can withstand backstroke through hard liquor (“Liquor? Don’t even know her”…lol).

Dress Code? What Dress Code?

Was reading this article off the Sydney Morning Herald website where a man, dressed as a woman, was denied entry into Star City Casino.

Now the man in question said that they "were going into the main gaming room and a guard placed his hand on my shoulder and said: 'you are known here as a man, you are not appropriately dressed, I have to ask you to leave,"

Known as a man? Love that line…I’m “known” as a women but I wouldn’t be calling me a lady.

Than it was said that the two were dressed inappropriately ("wearing an extremely short skirt that barely covered his groin region, white underwear and garters … were visible").

So either they don’t like men in dresses (revealing or otherwise). I’m sure you could walk around Star City and see a number of women dressed in what security, above, has deemed inappropriate.

What if the man above didn’t “see himself as a woman” and was just a man who bought a nice frock and wanted to wear it out? It’s weird to see a man in a dress but that is only because we have been brought up in a society that teaches us that women can wear whatever they want but men have to wear “male” orientated clothing.

“Girls can wear jeans
And cut their hair short
Wear shirts and boots
cause its ok to be a boy
But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading
cause you think that being a girl is degrading”
(Madonna – What it Feels like for a Girl)

There are quite a few countries that have male customs were they wear robes or kilts…these are not seen as dresses? I know most kids would point to a Scot in a kilt and ask, “Mummy, why is that man wearing a skirt?” and mummy would reply, “That’s not a skirt, that’s a knit.” Helping to enforce societies teachings that “real” men don’t were women’s clothing (a kilt is “mans” clothing…“we’re men, manly men. We’re men in tights, tight tights”). What about all those Romans…parading around, showing off their legs?

So the matter is going to be taken to a tribunal, but wait…"The Anti-Discrimination Act does not protect transvestites, it protects transsexuals, but you said you live as a woman. Before the tribunal can hear the case what you have to be able to prove to the court is that sexually you are a transsexual."

What the fu*k does that have to do with anything?

If a woman was refused entry for dressing inappropriately and complained how would she be dealt with? Does a man have to be deemed a transsexual before being allowed to wear a dress in public?

I wear what I want…why can’t everyone else? It’s not like these places actually enforce their dress codes in the first place. No singlets…unless you’re a woman with your tits out. No thongs or sandals…have you seen women’s footwear?

P.S Got a bit depressed last post, which I now know is because that afternoon I came down with a virus that left me in bed for a few days and I’m still trying to get over it.

I have a more positive out look these days…I swear…lol