Past, Present and Future

Well, it’s certainly been a while since I last posted anything…”life”, it actually happens…who would of thought.

The three main things I’ve been contemplating recently are:

1. My past
2. Happiness
3. Career

When it comes to my past, I have analysed and, in almost all instances (stupid to believe it’s all), accepted. But now and then something would bring the “past” to the “present”. Today is such a day and after a few moment of contemplation I think I’ve gotten the gist of why a certain period of time in my past still affects me…

Pride

1. A high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.

I can’t seem to except that my presence in someone’s life meant absolutely nothing.

In the scheme of things, it was a very short period of time for everyone concerned. Now other similar scenarios in my past do not affect me as such, so why this one? I didn’t give myself to these people. I can honestly say not one of them truly knew me, and in many instances I did not know them. Any pain caused to me I have accepted as a result of my own submissiveness. But even with all this in my mind, I can’t contemplate that they don’t think of me, even just a smidge. I honestly don’t care if these people are in my life or not but I still spend a day every now and then wishing one of them would just call cause their fucken curious to know what the hell happened to me. Maybe I just want to stick it to them? “Look at me. ME! Finally found (was there the whole time, who would of thought)”.

Maybe over time it fades…but hasn’t there been enough time? I don’t care about them (just my usual curiosity that I would have over anyone who has played a part, even a bit part, in my life), so why should they care about me?

Cause I’m fucken wonderful, that’s why…lol…problem with gaining self worth I guess. Seems everything has a bit of a down side…Ying and Yang man!

Happiness

1. The quality or state of being happy.
2. Good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy.

Once I start using the dictionary it takes a bit of control to stop…but I’ll try.

As mentioned above, life has decided to keep me on my toes. Just as I had settled into a lifestyle, the powers that be set me a curve ball. Now this is not a bad thing, accepting is just hard.

The majority of the time, I’m happy, and this is very strange for me. The times I’m not happy are usually when I’m alone picking at my happiness (for how can “I” be happy?). It’s all strange and I’m a bit scared and not quite sure what to do.

I’m trying not to over analyse the whole situation but my mind refuses to turn off when I’m alone and I refuse to give up alone time cause what my “self-discovery” has made me realise is that I am quite content and capable being on my own (plus no one likes everything that you do).So it’s just one more thing I have to come to terms with…”you’re happy, fucken deal with it (why are all the things I have to “come to terms with” are actually good for me? You’d think the shit bits of life would be hard to accept)!”.

I guess I just don’t know if I can take another hit. I mean there’s only one way to truly know if I can and, if I’m lucky, I might never know…but could I sit back and never test it?

Change is hard…not changing is just fucken boring.

Now the worst part is that previously my life was on an even scale. I felt the same about everything...I was coasting and quite content. Now that a part of my life is lighter, the rest falls into the depths. In other words...I REALLY FUCKEN HATE MY JOB! I feel as if it's sucking out my soul through a straw of jagged glass...now I know how good I can feel, I realise how bad this is (maybe that’s why accepting my happiness is so difficult, have some resentment over experiencing something greater than I have in the past).

So, once again, I’m contemplating a change of career (to actually having one). I really hate it when I do this, as it drive’s me up the fucken wall. Ever since I was sixteen people have been asking, “What do you want to do with your life?”. And every time I have no fucken clue. I know the difference between a hobby and a profession. I know that to make money (well, enough money) you can not love your job completely. I accept this, but still have no idea how to make money and be happy at the same time. All I want is some direction, cause standing in the middle of a major intersection, with multiple turn off’s, and asked to pick a direction without the aid of street signs is how I feel about the whole bloody mess.

I know I don’t want an office job…I’d love to physically do something. So I might actually think I’ve contributed to something…anything. But what? Everything I think of has a down side…maybe I’m just scared of changing…I’ve been doing the same crap since I was seventeen…

Does my fucken head in every time!

Change is hard…not changing would probably kill all that is me.